iGanja.com

Starting today, iganja.com is now d'mo's daily Angels rant!  JHGDMFSOBC!  When will the Angels (even under new management,) stop wasting our time with these experiments, all of which seem to go as bad as milk three weeks past the expiration date?

Dante Bichette
Bo Jackson (oh, how i wished he'd be a winner)
Eddie Murray
Jim Abbott (the second time around)
Cecil Fielder
Mo Vaughn
Ricky Henderson
Glenallen Hill
Kevin Appier
Jack McDowell
Raul Mondesi
Steve Finely
and a ton of guys i can't recall

And let's now add to that list, Jeff (i can't get an out in the third) Weaver.  I knew the second the Angels signed this guy, we were in for a spell of disappointement and
blowout losses!

ENOUGH!

I already have given up hope of pulling this season out of the toilet.  Perhaps some other team would lilke to take on this head case?

...but last nite's win was fun to watch!  Which is ultimately why I am a baseball fan more than simply an Angels fan.

I have many friends who love this sport, so I will try to be careful as not to go overboard with this rant.  Also, I have a great deal of respect for those that actually play the game.  It is, undoubtedly, a worthwhile physical activity, an activity that can include a great deal of skill, endurance and intelligence to be played well (well being the operative word here.)

Thing is, the sport can be played by almost anyone, and this is really its most endearing quality.  No skill, or endurance, or intelligence or even ambulatory capability is required, which, by itself makes this a great sport for the masses to play.  So, go play it!  Get your exercise, and even, dare I say, satisfy your competitive need even though the game is fatally flawed from an individual accomplishment standpoint.  So, it was you who essentially won the game with 90 minutes of solid, yet uninspiring, defense; the only thing that anyone remembers is the one solitary goal scored by a forward who just happened to be in the right place at the right time.  That truly is taking one for the team...  So, soccer is arguably the most popular sport on the planet; that still doesn't move me to want to watch it.  Soccer is just not a sport made for spectators, which is ultimately why it will NEVER be popular in the biggest sporting country in the world.

Soccer sucks for spectators!  Here’s why:

First, when will it end?  No one watching or playing or coaching or even picking their nose in line for their 42nd beer knows when the damn thing will end.  It just does, sometime after the clock reaches 90 (not 0 like every other sport with a clock,) or something like that.  Where’s the drama in that?  “What?  It ended?  Oh, can we go now?”  Soccer sucks.

Second, don’t blink!  You may miss the only opportunity you have to see something actually happen, like someone scoring.  Unless you like watching grass grow, be prepared to be entertained by the fans in the stands more than the game on the field.  When a single goal scored on the international stage is remembered in perpetuity and the person scoring it is immortalized for all time and honored with free sex with the local livestock for the rest of his life, you realize that there just ain’t enough scoring.  Soccer really sucks.

Third, a tie!  What the hell is that?  Even Hockey has figured out that kissing your sister is about as exciting as the prospect of root canal or open heart surgery, and even the sports that do, on very rare occasion, end in a tie, at least it’s not 0 – 0 !!!  And I’m sorry, saying “nil nil” is just plain stupid.  Did I mention soccer sucks?

Fourth, (you thought this would be last huh?) again, like tennis, there is possibility of great bodily injury, but a sport that emphasizes, condones, and yes even rewards faking an injury is a sport of pure pussies!  Little p boys writhing in pain on the ground ‘cause “somebody twipped me” just to get a little yellow or red card issued to the offending player is the biggest example of cowardice in sport there is.  When I saw (ESPN highlight everyone.  I wouldn’t be caught dead actually watching a game,) a guy being carried off the field on a stretcher only to be on his feet and running within seconds of crossing the sideline, it only reaffirmed my belief that soccer doth suck!

And last, any sport the USA sucks at, must certainly suck.  And why does the USA suck at soccer you ask?  It really is very simple actually.  The USA has the potential, as it does in nearly every sport, to dominate in soccer, and anyone that doesn't believe that isn't firing on all cylinders.  The fact is that all the greatest athletes in the US are playing other sports.  The kids that can hit and catch a ball play baseball.  The kids that can catch and run and hit harder, play football.  And the kids, who can shoot and pass and otherwise dominate athletically, play basketball.  The kids in the US who can't do any of those things, play soccer.

The AYSO was created so that ALL kids could enjoy some sort of sport activity.  And by ALL kids, we really mean all kids, especially those kids who can’t play the other three.  You know the ones, they got picked last in dodge ball.  And even when our great atheletes do play soccer growing up, they don't continue into adulthood.  Take for example the two leading hitters in the Major Leagues today.  Joe Mauer and Nomar Garciaparra were both three sport phenoms in high school.  Both played football in the fall, soccer in the winter and baseball in the spring, and if you asked either of them if they ever seriously considered playing soccer as a professional… you might even get the answer “No, ‘cause soccer sucks!”  Although, Nomar might not get laid for a month afterward if he did.

oh, I ganja

And now, a short lesson on what makes a sport a sport.  I suppose I could blog on this all by itself, but without a (non sport) to ridicule directly, I think I will just go over the basics here in preparation to ridicule soccer later.  In order for an athletic activity to be classified a sport, the activity must meet four criteria.

First and foremost, a sport is a game.  Games include objective scoring (in other words no judging,) rules, strategy, are played head to head and the bulk of those playing are doing so for competition.  This criterion eliminates all judged competitions: gymnastics, ice skating, diving, etc, and many timed competitions: alpine skiing, bobsled, kayaking, etc. and those activities that are not done competitively by most that participate in it: cycling, jet skiing, hang gliding, rock climbing, etc.

Second, a sport is a competition between two teams.  There are NO individual sports.  This criterion does not attempt to demean those activities contested between individuals.  There are certainly activities that require a great deal of athleticism, training, conditioning, talent and skill, but if played as an individual, it is not a sport.  So, although they meet the first requirement, the following are eliminated as sports: nearly all track and field, most swimming, singles tennis, golf, bowling, chess, fishing, target games, lumberjacking and poker (and the fact that I actually have to mention poker is reason enough to write this rant in the first place.  ESPN, are you listening?)

Third, the game must include a single object (a ball if you will) that is manipulated by both teams.  Any kind of relay (which eliminates the rest of swimming,) auto racing, rowing, yachting, team bowling, etc. are eliminated by this criterion.

And last, there is opportunity for great bodily injury as an integral part of the game.  By great bodily injury, I mean injured to the point where one cannot continue to play, and by integral part of the game I mean foreseeable and common to the activity, not a bizarre accident.  Dropping a curling stone on one’s foot can certainly cause injury, but it is not a normal part of the game.  Hence curling, doubles table tennis, team jenga, crochet, doubles badminton and “The great race” are all eliminated by this criterion.

So, here is the short list of actual SPORTS: (feel free to add as long as you can make a case based on the four rules above.)

Baseball, Football, Hockey, Basketball, Rugby, Volleyball, Water Polo, Cricket, Lacrosse, Doubles Tennis and Soccer.

To iganja’s chagrin, soccer and doubles tennis do meet the minimum requirements to be a sport.  However, both have aspects that truly warrant ridicule.

Let's take doubles tennis.  You can admittedly get injured playing tennis (being stabbed in the back by a fan not withstanding,) but I refuse to give any credit to a sport that is played with fuzzy balls.

And finally we come to the scourge of the sport community, soccer.  There really couldn’t be a more excruciatingly painful way to spend even five minutes of my life than to be forced to watch a soccer match.  …and you all thought baseball was boring.

I don’t know what the hell she’s sellin’, but I’ll buy it.

I’m pretty sure it’s not an ad for some anti-drug campaign with that smokin’ hot crack!

I heard she was some kind of race car driver… whatever, I hope she’s fast.

seriously,
oh i very much ganja!

 

 

 

 

 

One of the leading opponents, Dr. Donald Tashkin from UCLA, and life long studier of marijuana, has concluded that smoking the stuff, even in large quantities similar to a pack a day cigarette smoker, has no cancer causing effect; none, what-so-ever in fact. What really burns this guy up inside, I’m sure, is that there was evidence that smoking marijuana may actually provide, get this, “some protective effect”. Oh my! Whatever will this guy do now that his life has been devoted to showing marijuana to be dangerous, and finding that it may very well have medicinal qualities? I wonder; will Dr. Tashkin now go on a (tax-payer funded of course) crusade to uncover other possible benefits of this unjustifiably condemned plant.

What if someone doesn’t smoke it at all, eliminating the tar and other documented cancer causing agents found in cigarette smoke? What if we actually study the healing properties of THC itself? What if marijuana smoke does in fact contribute to the progression of cancer, but is counteracted upon by the THC? Imagine what might be the findings if we take away the smoke, and now all we have is the good stuff!

I got a fever!
And the only prescription, is more cow bell!

oh, I ganja!

Say it ain't so! The last time the Angels won back to back games and a series was over a month ago; April 22nd and 23rd at Oakland.  I don't want to give up on this season, seeing as, with this loss, the division leading Texas Rangers are now at .500, but the Angels have got to start winning some series to get back in this race.  Way to go Kendry Morales!  The Angels are 2-0 since he was brought up.  Let's keep it going boys!

oh, i ganja!

Give it to me straight Doc, I can take it!  In yet another case of killing the patient with the treatment, or in this case the message, we can only imagine that a more appropriate message might have been delivered had he just stayed home.

Seems to me that a video conference by the “Inventor of the Internet” could have maimed two political birds with one stone here… Instead, Al Gore takes to the air.  Guess he doesn’t trust his inventions that much.

oh, i ganja

 

I know it's still May but June's STFU goes to none other than Boston Red Sox (well kinda, he has only pitched one game this year, and is currently on the DL) pitcher, David Wells.  All I have to say is, look at your stats this year, you big hunk of tub-o-lard!  While casting disparities at others based on their changing numbers, you might want to discuss your 15.75 ERA, 2.75 WHIP and oh, btw, one single strike out?  Hmmm, based on your career stats, that looks a just a little fishy to me.  Maybe it is YOU and your pumpkin sized dome who should be answering questions as to why you suck now that the steroid policy is in full effect?  Wells gets holier than just about everyone Although, I really am more apt to believe it's just because you are simply washed up.

 

oh, I ganja